Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
