i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
