you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
