i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
