the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
