Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
