My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
