So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
