He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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