apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
