in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
