My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
