I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
