I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
