The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
