The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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