bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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