get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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