Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
