after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
