Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
