it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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