my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
