I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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