Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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