I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
this is an emotional support booty call
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
