he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
