i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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