help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
