He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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