I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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