I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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