My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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