I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
