This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I look better un-naked...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
