I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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