ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
