she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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