The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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