***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
