you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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