I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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