I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My bed smells like the plague
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
