Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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