look no pants
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
