Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
