Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
