apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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