I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
