apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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